Nicolas Cage vs. The World – Level 1

Today, we’ve got something a little different for you which we call Movie Mirrors. What happens here is we take the general plot of an existing movie and retell the story with something pulled from the sleep-deprived regions of our minds. Sometimes we get general insanity, but every now and then, the stars align and we get something magical. Like watching a solar eclipse or catching every green light on your way home from work on Friday night. So, without further ado, let’s begin with today’s topic: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Now this movie alone is worth an entire review, but instead, I’ll give you the big picture – Our main character Scott needs to face off against 7 evil ex boyfriends in order to date the lovely Ramona Flowers. With that being said, lets dive into our mirrorverse movie.

Let your mind drift back to 1995. A time where we asked so many important questions about the world. What was in the box? Who was Keyser Soze? Was Zordon really just a giant sponge in that tube? And while we were given the greatest techno video game beat of all time (Be honest. When you read Mortal Kombat, you hear the theme don’t you?), we also got a little movie called Leaving Las Vegas, staring an actor of such skill, the world may never receive another like him again. I am speaking of course about renowned method actor, Nicolas Kim Coppola, better known as Nick Cage. Now thanks to this magical movie, Mr. Cage nabbed the best actor Oscar at the 1996 Academy Awards, beating out heavyweights like Anthony Hopkins and Sean Penn. And while his future work has been nothing less than glorious, the blue bloods of Hollywood have snubbed his superior acting chops.

Thus, we find Cage gazing into a roaring fireplace, when an explosion at the door reveals his close friend Michael Bay. Bay reveals that in order to regain his former glory in the eyes of the academy, Cage must take on the 7 leading over-actors in Hollywood along with their entourages. If he survives, the Oscar is his, but failure will leave him trapped in the pages of film history, right beside Alex Winter. Go ahead and look him up, we’ll wait. You good? Great, let’s continue.

In the first round, Cage finds himself in unfamiliar territory. As he looks around, he sees what appears to be random debris – A volleyball, a cylindrical tube with letters on its casing, a park bench and a piano mat. Approaching the bench, he notices a man whose hair seems to flicker before his very eyes. Side fade, military buzz cut; Stranded island Shag, Wavy Southern Gentleman and a mop that defies explanation. With care and thought befitting a man of his talents, Tom Hanks rose to start the first round. And promptly sat back down realizing that he couldn’t possibly win against the one man in Hollywood with crazier hair choices than him. As he sat down, he cradled his two Best Actor Oscars and began to brag over having won them back to back. Being the bigger man, Cage offered him a box of chocolates as a sign of respect. As Hanks dove into the box in a drunken haze, he suddenly choked; his eyes bulging, his arms waiving frantically as the sweet embrace of death gripped him tight. Standing over him with a distant look in his eye, our hero grinned and spoke to himself.

“I guess that’s how life goes. You never know what you’re gonna get next.”
As the body lay cooling before him, a familiar tune filled the air. “You’ve Got Mail. You’ve Got Mail”. Wondering why Hanks would still use AOL in this day and age, Cage examined the message and saw that someone named Wilson was reminding him about a Volleyball tournament in Houston.

“Houston? Looks like Tom’s got a problem” Cage remarked as he noticed a glowing pair of dog tags. As he picked them up and noticed they read “Captain John H. Miller”, the body seemed to fade out of existence. Inexplicably realizing that each enemy would drop some kind of trophy, Cage marched on to the next fight with all the confidence of a man who could land a plane in the Hudson River with no fatalities whatsoever.

Tune in next time to see who Cage has to take on in Level 2. The match might leave you feeling a bit shaken, but hopefully not stirred. Catch you next time – BB.

Photo: goo.gl/t2A07J

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