Nicolas Cage vs. The World – Level 3

A long and dark tunnel greeted our hero as he moved away from the casino. Wary of whatever horrors might lurk in the shadows, he kept his eyes opened and inched forward, as a sixth sense screamed that something was coming. Soon enough, he came to a set of doors with a partition running down the middle. A hissing sound filled the air as the doors flew apart, allowing a brilliant flash of light to fill the tunnel. Stumbling forward, Cage grabbed the door for stability and rubbed at his eyes, willing them to adjust to the light. As he looked around, he was thoroughly confused because sitting in front of him was none other than Sir Patrick Stewart, calmly sipping a warm drink.

“Let me guess, Earl Grey. Hot?” said Cage with a smallest hint of a smirk forming. “Oh, you think you’re clever don’t you. Everyone thinks they’re being so smart saying that. How else am I supposed to drink my tea you blithering idiot!?” yelled Stewart as he placed his cup on his armrest. As he stood up, Cage stepped back worried that Stewart was his next opponent, but to his relief, he merely walked to a shelf on the other side of the room and pulled out a worn-out book. Tossing it to Cage who had followed behind him, Stewart pointed at a door behind his chair. “You’ll find the loudmouth over there” he said as he returned to his chair and examined a game of chess on a small nearby table. “What the hell is Ian trying to do” he mumbled to himself as Cage moved towards the door and spoke while thumbing through the book “Captain’s Log eh? Well he won’t make it through this encounter.”

Cage looked around in confusion and found himself standing on a small stage at the front of a coffee shop. At each of the table, he noticed a collection of English Literature books and unreasonably expensive coffees with long instructions written on their sides. Cursing to himself, he realized that the shop was infested with hipsters and before he could further react, the lights dimmed and a spotlight engulfed a figure sitting on a bar stool. Soon the silence became deafening and just before Cage was about to speak, a hand lashed out and grabbed the microphone. “She packed. My bags. Last night pre-flight.” spoke the man, cigarette smoke wafting away from him as Cage stared in disbelief. “This can’t be happening” he thought to himself as William Shatner continued to butcher Elton John’s Rocket Man. “I’m a Rocket. Man” belted Shatner as the crowd began to snap their fingers in satisfaction.

As everyone looked over at Cage, they noticed his hands were flexing and shaking causing Shatner to grin and believe that the game was over. Before he could begin to boast though, Cage snapped his head back and with a glint of madness in his eyes, pointed over at Shatner. “Guilty” he growled out as he fixed his gaze upon the audience. “How can you applaud as this man butchers a classic?!?” he screamed and began to pace. Coming to an abrupt stop, he seemed to disappear and reappeared right in front of Shatner. “There’s nothing easier than singing a classic. It’s as easy as finding a file. You know how that’s done? You just put the files in the folder. According to alphabetical order. You know A, B, C, D, E, F, G…” Cage roared as he enunciated each letter of the alphabet. By the time he was done, both Shatner and his devoted audience were reduced to quivering heaps on the floor. Unable to handle Cage’s clear and precise speech, Shatner realized that he couldn’t comma his way out of this fight and his grasp on reality began to slip. Soon enough, his body began to fade and Cage spared him one final glance. “Should have negotiated with Priceline for some signing lessons.” He muttered as he picked up a small Starfleet pin that had been left behind. Grabbing a travel mug of coffee, Cage set off for his next adventure knowing that he was almost half way to victory.

How will our hero fare with level 4? Only time will tell, but he best bring his A-game or he’ll be in for a ton of PUNishment.



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